Hi!

For my latest relationship I decided to try something new. I accepted a date from a stranger (by that I mean no set up involved) and he wasn't remotely religious. I figured I should broaden my horizons, not limit myself. We dated for about a month and he was a nice guy, but extremely pretentious. I could hardly get through a phone conversation without rolling my eyes. Maybe I'm just immature but anyone that constantly talks about how "creative" they are, just makes me want to snort. So we decided to part ways and I have gone back to falling asleep by watching cartoons.

It's That Time of Year...

So tomorrow night is the first night of Rosh Hashana and as usual I find myself picking apart how I lived my life this past year.

I'd like to think I was perfect, but I was far from it. I know I have things I need to go over with G-d but what about all the things I've done wrong to other people. Where do I even begin? What about what others have done to me? Can I honestly forgive them?

Hearing "I'm sorry" just isn't enough sometimes. There are some things I don't think I can forgive yet. There are also some things I don't feel comfortable asking for forgiveness from yet. I wish I were stronger, but I'm just not.

On a brighter note I am looking forward to the new year and believe with all of my heart that it will be a year of good things. I wish all of you a happy and healthy new year.

I never learn...

I had rules. I made them for a reason. I broke them and just want to bang my head against the wall for being so stupid. So once again I'm "single" and I just don't get it anymore. When I entered this latest "relationship" I wasn't looking for anything. I was really happy with me. I was alone but I was ok with it.

It just happened and I didn't even want to blog about it because I knew I broke every rule. But, I liked him and he made me smile. He made me feel amazing, he would just stare at me and tell me how beautiful I was, how could I not fall? He spent so much time with me always wanting to touch me, not even in a sexual way. Just a way that made me feel cared for and wanted. I was beginning to fall for it. I actually believed that someone thought I was amazing and wanted to spend time with me.

I didn't ask for anything, I made it clear that I wanted to take my time and just see where it went - so where did I go wrong? How could I be so blind? Why did I believe that when he looked at me it was because he saw me and liked it.

I'm not crushed, I'm just sad. I tell myself that it's not me, he just wasn't in the same place as me. Why waste my time then? Why tell me how pretty and funny and good and wonderful I am? Why make plans with me? Why enter my life?

Been a bit busy.......

Work has picked up, which is great financially but doesn't leave much time for anything else. I did find time to participate in one of the many Shabbat Nachamu Shabbatons. I went with no expectations of actually meeting anyone. I hate these events and am always miserable. So this time I decided I would have a good time no matter what.

I had a great time. Met some really nice people and had more laughs than I've had in a long time. It was good, sometimes you just need to take a step back and let life happen.

Knowing When to Say When

I've been getting a lot of pressure, I've been seeing someone pretty regularly and since this is a new phenomenon for me everyone is getting excited. That's great for them. Unfortunately I'm not there and doubt I ever will be with him. At what point do I just say "when"? Is there a time limit? A number of dates limit? Everyone is telling me to just stick it out - easy for them to say. Deep down I just don't feel it and I doubt another week or month will make a difference. I just feel terrible.

Is there any way to remain anonymous?

I've been "outed", it's ok because I don't give too many particulars about other people in this blog. I haven't said anything that embarrasses myself either.

Being online has it's good and bad points. I am on Facebook mainly to keep in touch with certain friends that I don't see that often. Suprisingly I have also made new friends (through introductions by others). Is Facebook the new JDate/Frumster? What freaks me out a bit is that I recognize too many people. I recognize faces that have contacted me on Frumster or have been sent to me on Saw You at Sinai. It's so weird! I meet people at parties, etc.. and I recognize them from Facebook! Would it be weird to say "hey I saw you on Facebook!" Would that make me a Facebook stalker? I admit that when someone wants to set me up with someone the first thing I do is check Facebook and 9/10 times they are there!

Is there anonymity anymore? Are we all on display? Does everyone really need (or want) to know how many chips I have in Texas Hold Em?

Biological Clocks

I went out to dinner with my friend this week and she told me some big news. She's pregnant. She's not married, I know she isn't dating anyone, so how do I broach the subject? She didn't offer so I didn't ask, she basically just told me that she felt she didn't want to wait any longer (she's mid 40's). I'm happy for her. She's an amazing person and has always been a fantastic friend. She will make a great mom and I'll once again be an aunt! As for me, I'm still hoping to do it the old fashioned way , marriage then kids. But, it's nice to know that there are options just in case.