How I Chose My Title

If you're reading this you are either in the same boat or, if you're a guy, we've dated. I'll save my introductions for another time but now I just need to get something off of my chest. I am sick of dating. I admit I put a lot of hope into every date and I guess it's my own fault that I'm always disappointed. Since I seem to be unable to meet guys on my own I have to rely on set-ups. Well recently an acquaintance mentioned someone to me, it didn't sound promising but I figured what could I lose. Well I guess the guy felt the same way because he asked that I call him since it seems he gets rejected a lot by Frum girls (he does not come from a Frum background). So... I swallow my pride and call him. We have a great conversation! On the phone for almost three hours! He texts me the next day - he so enjoyed the conversation! Calls me the day after that - he can't wait to meet me!

So... at this point I'm really excited. We had a normal conversation I was able to be myself now we just had to see if physically it "clicked". We make plans to go out after Shabbat - he lives a bit far away so he wouldn't be here until late. Now - if I was a regular "Frummy" I wouldn't have stood for that. Pick me up 10:30 for a date! But, I am not typical and I really wanted to meet this guy so I agree. He doesn't show up until 12 - midnight! At that point where are we going to go? So we parked, sat in the car and talked. Although I took the time to get dressed, do my hair, put on make-up, he shows up in jeans and a baseball cap. I feel uncomfortable b/c I'm a bit overdressed but I get over it. The guy is cute and again we're having an easy relaxed conversation. At one point during the "date" he comments that we definitely need to make plans to get together again.

So after an hour (it's now 1am) he drops me off, I tell him to text me when he gets home (I have that Jewish Mother in me). He texts me about an hour and a half later that he's home and that I should have a great day. I text him back "sleep well".

Sunday, nothing. Monday, nothing. So I finally ask someone to find out what happened. Well, it seems I'm not "Aidel". Before I start my rant - he couldn't figure this out on the phone? We spoke for 3 hours - he couldn't tell???

So now let me rant:

1. How many "Aidel's" would go out with a guy that admittingly had a wild past and almost no "jewish" background?

2. How many "Aidel's" would allow a guy to pick her up at 12am?

3. How many "Aidel's" wouldn't care that he wore jeans and a cap?

4. How many "Aidel's" would just sit in a car and talk?

This whole thing threw me off. I know on the outside I don't fit into what has become the Frum community, but I do know that there is a time and a place for everything. I can sit in a room with Chassidim or a room full of Sikhs and be able to conduct myself appropriately.

I also wonder what he perceives an Aishes Chayil to be? I always assumed it was good woman who would love her husband and children and would sacrifice everything for them. While I don't yet have that, I do know that I have made many sacrifices in my life - some could even be considered life altering in order to help my family.

My main question is how can one figure out whether a person is good based on a one hour meeting? I feel slapped in the face and disgusted. I don't know what to do anymore. If he said he didn't find me attractive, ok. But to say I wasn't a "fine" person?

Today, being Purim only makes it worse. I ask myself why should I remain Frum when everything about it just reminds me of what I don't have. I hate going to Shul because I feel like a spinster, same with weddings, Bar Mitzvahs, etc.. How can I not question Hashem when I try so hard to be good, yet am rejected for not outwardly showing it enough. No I don't go to Shul every Shabbat and I don't go to classes, does that make me "bad"?

Yes, right now I am bitter. I am in my mid 30's with no prospects on the horizon. I can honestly say I have gone out with every guy someone has set me up with, but I just don't think I can do that anymore. The reasons for rejection just hurt too much and I hate feeling bad about myself.

So for right now I'll remain Frum and only secretly "Aidel"