Mixed Feelings

Things are definitely weird. The past year has been a pretty bad dating time for me. I went out a lot but a few of the endings were pretty messy. Recently things have been different, but for some reason I am letting something hold me back. Actually it's someone. For whatever reason I just have these odd feelings. I know I have issues with availability, I know I have been unfair to others and most of all to myself.

Even since I started this Blog, I read over old posts and I see the difference in me. I have learned a lot from past relationships, most important being that I can't be "saved". I don't need to be saved. There is nothing wrong with me (well nothing major at least!). Yes being in a relationship is a two way street, but I want to grow with someone, not change for them. I've seen certain friends of mine who grew up more modern, but when it came time to find a husband all of sudden the pants went in the garbage, their moms started wearing sheitels, etc. I never did this, I never wanted to be a fraud. I am what I am and this is how I live my life.

How happy can a person be when they can't be who they truly are with the person that they are supposed to be most honest with? That terrifies me. I am a pretty honest person, and especially when I've been in relationships I have always been myself and hoped that the people I was with did the same. I know I expect too much of people but why should I change? Maybe others need to be able to be honest and reliable. How can any relationship or friendship last if there isn't honesty? Maybe my Mother did me a disservice by teaching me to be a "real" person.

I kind of digressed there, but hey this my forum, I can do what I want!