What I did with the wax

I forgot to mention that he poured the wax on me three times and by the third time I was no longer "in turmoil". The wax didn't take on any shapes. So he gives me the big ball of wax and tells me that I had to throw it into a body of water and say a little prayer. I left work early today to do this. I walked by the water until I found a spot where no one would see me (I really didn't want to get arrested for littering) and I threw it in. Will it help? Who knows? To be honest I am more confused than ever because now I am so focused on what is going on in my life. I still haven't decided to take the new job. I'm still putting a lot of things off. I wish I could just move and start a new life, but I know it won't be easy and to be honest I'm not ready to let some things go yet.

I gave it a shot

I have a friend who swears by a Rabbi that can remove Ayin Haras (however you spell it),He credits this guy with getting him engaged and thought I should go to him. The rabbi only speaks yiddish (which I don't), so basically I went with an ex who is engaged to someone else, to help me find my bashert.

I went in with an open mind, what could it hurt? As long as he doesn't ask me to do anything crazy I'll go along with it. First thing he does is make me sit on a really dirty stool and put a really dirty towel over my head. He then tells me to relax AS HE POURS HOT WAX ONTO MY HEAD! After a few minutes the wax breaks apart into different shapes. I won't get into them, but I admit I was freaked out because they resembled things. I'm not talking the "look at the cloud it looks like dog" thing - the wax took on definite shapes that were relevant to my life.

He then did something with water and matches and salt and a candle he gave me three items to wear at all times a few tefilot to say and a ritual that I have to perform once a week. When I left he didn't tell me to come back in a set time. He told me to come back when I was engaged. I liked that.

So, all in all it was pretty painless (I did cry at one point), and if it helps then great. If not, eh I gave some tzedakah.

Song of the Day

I just feel like this.

"Stuck in a Moment" - U2

I'm not afraid
Of anything in this world
There's nothing you can throw at me
That I haven't already heard
I'm just trying to find
A decent melody
A song that I can sing
In my own company

I never thought you were a fool
But darling, look at you. Ooh.
You gotta stand up straight, carry your own weight
'Cause tears are going nowhere baby

You've got to get yourself together
You've got stuck in a moment
And now you can't get out of it
Don't say that later will be better
Now you're stuck in a moment
And you can't get out of it


I will not forsake
The colors that you bring
The nights you filled with fireworks
They left you with nothing
I am still enchanted
By the light you brought to me
I listen through your ears
Through your eyes I can see

You are such a fool
To worry like you do.. Oh
I know it's tough
And you can never get enough
Of what you don't really need now
My, oh my

You've got to get yourself together
You've got stuck in a moment
And you can't get out of it
Oh love, look at you now
You've got yourself stuck in a moment
And you can't get out of it
Oh lord look at you now
You've got yourself stuck in a moment
And you cant gt out of it

I was unconscious, half asleep
The water is warm 'til you discover how deep
I wasn't jumping, for me it was a fall
It's a long way down to nothing at all

You've got to get yourself together
You've got stuck in a moment
And you can't get out of it
Don't say that later will be better
Now you're stuck in a moment
And you can't get out of it

And if the night runs over
And if the day won't last
And if your way should falter
Along this stony pass

It's just a moment
This time will pass

Playing Games/Frumster

I am a very forward person. When I see something or someone that I want I go for it. Since I am still single I guess it isn't the best approach. A friend of mine recently recommended a "self help" book to me. I've been reading it and am amazed at how ignorant I am. So basically if I "play the game" I'll get everything I want..okay.

Frumster has been a hopping place lately, no sooner do I sign on then I am inundated with "IMs", I try to ignore them but they are blocking my view of the email I'm typing! If you don't answer the IM you get an email that says "Missed Im Message" and the guy will usually write something profound, such as "hi". Now don't get me wrong I am always flattered when someone wants to speak to me, and they will always get a response, and it won't even be the generic one! But guys, if you want to catch my attention, you really should write more than one word!

I also wonder how many of the men even read my profile before they email/Im me? Why would someone who lists himself as Chassidish or Yeshivish contact me? From my profile it's pretty obvious that I'm towards the left. If I met a Chassidic/Yeshivish guy in person and we hit it off that would be another story, but on Frumster, no.

Last but not least with regards to Frumster, I am not on there to get laid. I am very flattered that younger guys find me attractive but seriously, if I just wanted to "get some" I would go to an older man, at least he knows what to do!

Mixed Feelings

Things are definitely weird. The past year has been a pretty bad dating time for me. I went out a lot but a few of the endings were pretty messy. Recently things have been different, but for some reason I am letting something hold me back. Actually it's someone. For whatever reason I just have these odd feelings. I know I have issues with availability, I know I have been unfair to others and most of all to myself.

Even since I started this Blog, I read over old posts and I see the difference in me. I have learned a lot from past relationships, most important being that I can't be "saved". I don't need to be saved. There is nothing wrong with me (well nothing major at least!). Yes being in a relationship is a two way street, but I want to grow with someone, not change for them. I've seen certain friends of mine who grew up more modern, but when it came time to find a husband all of sudden the pants went in the garbage, their moms started wearing sheitels, etc. I never did this, I never wanted to be a fraud. I am what I am and this is how I live my life.

How happy can a person be when they can't be who they truly are with the person that they are supposed to be most honest with? That terrifies me. I am a pretty honest person, and especially when I've been in relationships I have always been myself and hoped that the people I was with did the same. I know I expect too much of people but why should I change? Maybe others need to be able to be honest and reliable. How can any relationship or friendship last if there isn't honesty? Maybe my Mother did me a disservice by teaching me to be a "real" person.

I kind of digressed there, but hey this my forum, I can do what I want!