Hi!

For my latest relationship I decided to try something new. I accepted a date from a stranger (by that I mean no set up involved) and he wasn't remotely religious. I figured I should broaden my horizons, not limit myself. We dated for about a month and he was a nice guy, but extremely pretentious. I could hardly get through a phone conversation without rolling my eyes. Maybe I'm just immature but anyone that constantly talks about how "creative" they are, just makes me want to snort. So we decided to part ways and I have gone back to falling asleep by watching cartoons.

It's That Time of Year...

So tomorrow night is the first night of Rosh Hashana and as usual I find myself picking apart how I lived my life this past year.

I'd like to think I was perfect, but I was far from it. I know I have things I need to go over with G-d but what about all the things I've done wrong to other people. Where do I even begin? What about what others have done to me? Can I honestly forgive them?

Hearing "I'm sorry" just isn't enough sometimes. There are some things I don't think I can forgive yet. There are also some things I don't feel comfortable asking for forgiveness from yet. I wish I were stronger, but I'm just not.

On a brighter note I am looking forward to the new year and believe with all of my heart that it will be a year of good things. I wish all of you a happy and healthy new year.

I never learn...

I had rules. I made them for a reason. I broke them and just want to bang my head against the wall for being so stupid. So once again I'm "single" and I just don't get it anymore. When I entered this latest "relationship" I wasn't looking for anything. I was really happy with me. I was alone but I was ok with it.

It just happened and I didn't even want to blog about it because I knew I broke every rule. But, I liked him and he made me smile. He made me feel amazing, he would just stare at me and tell me how beautiful I was, how could I not fall? He spent so much time with me always wanting to touch me, not even in a sexual way. Just a way that made me feel cared for and wanted. I was beginning to fall for it. I actually believed that someone thought I was amazing and wanted to spend time with me.

I didn't ask for anything, I made it clear that I wanted to take my time and just see where it went - so where did I go wrong? How could I be so blind? Why did I believe that when he looked at me it was because he saw me and liked it.

I'm not crushed, I'm just sad. I tell myself that it's not me, he just wasn't in the same place as me. Why waste my time then? Why tell me how pretty and funny and good and wonderful I am? Why make plans with me? Why enter my life?

Been a bit busy.......

Work has picked up, which is great financially but doesn't leave much time for anything else. I did find time to participate in one of the many Shabbat Nachamu Shabbatons. I went with no expectations of actually meeting anyone. I hate these events and am always miserable. So this time I decided I would have a good time no matter what.

I had a great time. Met some really nice people and had more laughs than I've had in a long time. It was good, sometimes you just need to take a step back and let life happen.

Knowing When to Say When

I've been getting a lot of pressure, I've been seeing someone pretty regularly and since this is a new phenomenon for me everyone is getting excited. That's great for them. Unfortunately I'm not there and doubt I ever will be with him. At what point do I just say "when"? Is there a time limit? A number of dates limit? Everyone is telling me to just stick it out - easy for them to say. Deep down I just don't feel it and I doubt another week or month will make a difference. I just feel terrible.

Is there any way to remain anonymous?

I've been "outed", it's ok because I don't give too many particulars about other people in this blog. I haven't said anything that embarrasses myself either.

Being online has it's good and bad points. I am on Facebook mainly to keep in touch with certain friends that I don't see that often. Suprisingly I have also made new friends (through introductions by others). Is Facebook the new JDate/Frumster? What freaks me out a bit is that I recognize too many people. I recognize faces that have contacted me on Frumster or have been sent to me on Saw You at Sinai. It's so weird! I meet people at parties, etc.. and I recognize them from Facebook! Would it be weird to say "hey I saw you on Facebook!" Would that make me a Facebook stalker? I admit that when someone wants to set me up with someone the first thing I do is check Facebook and 9/10 times they are there!

Is there anonymity anymore? Are we all on display? Does everyone really need (or want) to know how many chips I have in Texas Hold Em?

Biological Clocks

I went out to dinner with my friend this week and she told me some big news. She's pregnant. She's not married, I know she isn't dating anyone, so how do I broach the subject? She didn't offer so I didn't ask, she basically just told me that she felt she didn't want to wait any longer (she's mid 40's). I'm happy for her. She's an amazing person and has always been a fantastic friend. She will make a great mom and I'll once again be an aunt! As for me, I'm still hoping to do it the old fashioned way , marriage then kids. But, it's nice to know that there are options just in case.

An Update

A lot has happened over the past month.

A friend of mine is going through a personal crisis and I'm trying to do what I can, but it just isn't enough and I feel helpless.

I am once again living on my own and am finding that I like the solitude, but still wish there was someone there.

I went back to the hair sex guru and had another uncomfortable experience, I don't think I'll be going back.

The friend I decided to take to another level fizzled pretty quickly, physically it just wasn't there and while it is weird, we're still friends.

About a year ago I was sent someone on "Saw you at Sinai" and we decided not to go out after a phone call. I bumped into his friend before Memorial Day and he thought we should look into it again. We've been seeing each other (according to him we're dating) but I still have my issues. I like going out with him but...... I'm just not there yet, and he knows this, but he is willing to let me take my time.

I have a lot to say but....

I'm not ready to publish my drafts.

Now we have to buy HIM a ring?

A friend of mine recently became engaged and he proceeded to show me his hand - he was wearing an engagement "band"! I never saw this before. He isn't Jewish, so asked if it was a tradition in his religion and he said no. His Fiance just wanted him to wear it. So I googled "man's engagement ring" and it seems to be quite common in Europe (my friend and his Fiance are American). Considering most religious Jewish guys don't even wear a wedding ring I guess the concept is just weird to me.

The truth is, this guy is a "player" and I wonder if she just wants him to wear the ring to let other women know he's taken.

Laugh if you must.....

but since I went to see "that" Rabbi things have changed. I have a different outlook on life and people. I have truly forgiven certain people for the hurt they caused me. I have been spending more time with the people I truly love (friends and family). I guess I just feel free. I am at peace.

I guess I am approachable!

So..... I've been talking to someone I know for a long time, we never dated but we always discuss it. Should we - shouldn't we.... well we got together last night and it was really nice. Since we've been friends for a while we thought it would be weird, but you know what? I wasn't. It was comfortable and I haven't stopped smiling since - neither has he (or so he tells me!). I guess sometimes it really is right in front of you. You just have to be able to see it.

Not Approachable? Moi??

I'm not claiming to be a supermodel, but I do consider myself attractive, but "unapproachable" attractive, no way. I recently had a conversation with someone I knew when I was younger who told me he had a huge crush on me, but was scared to ask me out. Again, not tooting my own horn, but I have heard this before. I have gone out on dates with guys who didn't ask for a second date and when I asked friends (who know the guys) about it, I am told that they didn't think I'd be into him, so why pursue it.

So I need to question myself, am I intimidating? If I could post pictures of the guys I have been serious about you could see that I don't go for any particular type (although I do always dream of the tall dark and handsome). All I ever wanted was a nice guy, I've gone out with short, fat, bald, tall, skinny, etc... I've run the gamut... to me attraction has always been more than looks.

Years ago I dated someone who was considered (and probably still is) one of the best looking guys out there, and guess what - I didn't want to pursue it. We didn't have much in common and conversation seriously lagged. Was I afraid to approach him? Did I feel he was just too good looking for me? No way. Sure I have self esteem issues but it always had more to do with my financial issues (side note: I refused to even think about dating seriously until I was out of school and able to support myself). Once I resolved those issues I was ready, willing and able (or so I'd like to think).

So what about me is so unapproachable? To the men out there, I know it's hard to take a chance and put yourself out there, but what's the worst that can happen? I say no? What if I say yes? ... I know I can approach men too, and trust me I do, and I have been rejected so I do know how it feels, but I still feel it's always worth a shot.

A bit off topic

So I figured I'd kill 3 birds and slept by one friend for Shabbat, ate lunch at another and went to an Oneg at another. On Friday I decided that since I can't get a haircut yet I should at least get my hair "blown out" so it would look good on Saturday.

My regular salon is actually a bit out of the way and and they couldn't give me a late Friday afternoon appointment so I decided to try someone new. My friend recommended a guy near her office and he had time for me so I went. I will try to explain the experience , but I don't know how well it will come across.

So I meet the guy and he's outside smoking a cigarette, I introduce myself and he takes my hand asks me how I am, plays with my hair and leads me in to get washed. Side note - I love getting my hair washed by others. My dream guy will do this for me.

So I get washed and I sit in the chair. For those of you that have had blow outs you know that the stylist will basically do all the work. Manipulating the chair, moving around you, etc... Well this guy kept the chair low (he is kind of short) and made me put my head forward and basically was blowing it out like that. Here comes the odd part - I had no where to put my hands. He was basically on top of me and at one point his stomach is in my lap, my hand is in his crotch, etc... I think had I found him attractive it could have almost been a sexual experience (maybe for him it is!).

So I'm sitting there for twenty minutes wondering where to put my legs and hands, my head is buried in his chest - it was so weird!!!! But, he did do a great job and his place is convenient and he said he'd always fit me in - so I guess I'll just wear something with pockets next time.

What I did with the wax

I forgot to mention that he poured the wax on me three times and by the third time I was no longer "in turmoil". The wax didn't take on any shapes. So he gives me the big ball of wax and tells me that I had to throw it into a body of water and say a little prayer. I left work early today to do this. I walked by the water until I found a spot where no one would see me (I really didn't want to get arrested for littering) and I threw it in. Will it help? Who knows? To be honest I am more confused than ever because now I am so focused on what is going on in my life. I still haven't decided to take the new job. I'm still putting a lot of things off. I wish I could just move and start a new life, but I know it won't be easy and to be honest I'm not ready to let some things go yet.

I gave it a shot

I have a friend who swears by a Rabbi that can remove Ayin Haras (however you spell it),He credits this guy with getting him engaged and thought I should go to him. The rabbi only speaks yiddish (which I don't), so basically I went with an ex who is engaged to someone else, to help me find my bashert.

I went in with an open mind, what could it hurt? As long as he doesn't ask me to do anything crazy I'll go along with it. First thing he does is make me sit on a really dirty stool and put a really dirty towel over my head. He then tells me to relax AS HE POURS HOT WAX ONTO MY HEAD! After a few minutes the wax breaks apart into different shapes. I won't get into them, but I admit I was freaked out because they resembled things. I'm not talking the "look at the cloud it looks like dog" thing - the wax took on definite shapes that were relevant to my life.

He then did something with water and matches and salt and a candle he gave me three items to wear at all times a few tefilot to say and a ritual that I have to perform once a week. When I left he didn't tell me to come back in a set time. He told me to come back when I was engaged. I liked that.

So, all in all it was pretty painless (I did cry at one point), and if it helps then great. If not, eh I gave some tzedakah.

Song of the Day

I just feel like this.

"Stuck in a Moment" - U2

I'm not afraid
Of anything in this world
There's nothing you can throw at me
That I haven't already heard
I'm just trying to find
A decent melody
A song that I can sing
In my own company

I never thought you were a fool
But darling, look at you. Ooh.
You gotta stand up straight, carry your own weight
'Cause tears are going nowhere baby

You've got to get yourself together
You've got stuck in a moment
And now you can't get out of it
Don't say that later will be better
Now you're stuck in a moment
And you can't get out of it


I will not forsake
The colors that you bring
The nights you filled with fireworks
They left you with nothing
I am still enchanted
By the light you brought to me
I listen through your ears
Through your eyes I can see

You are such a fool
To worry like you do.. Oh
I know it's tough
And you can never get enough
Of what you don't really need now
My, oh my

You've got to get yourself together
You've got stuck in a moment
And you can't get out of it
Oh love, look at you now
You've got yourself stuck in a moment
And you can't get out of it
Oh lord look at you now
You've got yourself stuck in a moment
And you cant gt out of it

I was unconscious, half asleep
The water is warm 'til you discover how deep
I wasn't jumping, for me it was a fall
It's a long way down to nothing at all

You've got to get yourself together
You've got stuck in a moment
And you can't get out of it
Don't say that later will be better
Now you're stuck in a moment
And you can't get out of it

And if the night runs over
And if the day won't last
And if your way should falter
Along this stony pass

It's just a moment
This time will pass

Playing Games/Frumster

I am a very forward person. When I see something or someone that I want I go for it. Since I am still single I guess it isn't the best approach. A friend of mine recently recommended a "self help" book to me. I've been reading it and am amazed at how ignorant I am. So basically if I "play the game" I'll get everything I want..okay.

Frumster has been a hopping place lately, no sooner do I sign on then I am inundated with "IMs", I try to ignore them but they are blocking my view of the email I'm typing! If you don't answer the IM you get an email that says "Missed Im Message" and the guy will usually write something profound, such as "hi". Now don't get me wrong I am always flattered when someone wants to speak to me, and they will always get a response, and it won't even be the generic one! But guys, if you want to catch my attention, you really should write more than one word!

I also wonder how many of the men even read my profile before they email/Im me? Why would someone who lists himself as Chassidish or Yeshivish contact me? From my profile it's pretty obvious that I'm towards the left. If I met a Chassidic/Yeshivish guy in person and we hit it off that would be another story, but on Frumster, no.

Last but not least with regards to Frumster, I am not on there to get laid. I am very flattered that younger guys find me attractive but seriously, if I just wanted to "get some" I would go to an older man, at least he knows what to do!

Mixed Feelings

Things are definitely weird. The past year has been a pretty bad dating time for me. I went out a lot but a few of the endings were pretty messy. Recently things have been different, but for some reason I am letting something hold me back. Actually it's someone. For whatever reason I just have these odd feelings. I know I have issues with availability, I know I have been unfair to others and most of all to myself.

Even since I started this Blog, I read over old posts and I see the difference in me. I have learned a lot from past relationships, most important being that I can't be "saved". I don't need to be saved. There is nothing wrong with me (well nothing major at least!). Yes being in a relationship is a two way street, but I want to grow with someone, not change for them. I've seen certain friends of mine who grew up more modern, but when it came time to find a husband all of sudden the pants went in the garbage, their moms started wearing sheitels, etc. I never did this, I never wanted to be a fraud. I am what I am and this is how I live my life.

How happy can a person be when they can't be who they truly are with the person that they are supposed to be most honest with? That terrifies me. I am a pretty honest person, and especially when I've been in relationships I have always been myself and hoped that the people I was with did the same. I know I expect too much of people but why should I change? Maybe others need to be able to be honest and reliable. How can any relationship or friendship last if there isn't honesty? Maybe my Mother did me a disservice by teaching me to be a "real" person.

I kind of digressed there, but hey this my forum, I can do what I want!

Another One Bites The Dust - Again

Here's a new one! A couple gets divorced, they enter into relationships with others and then find themselves back with their Ex.

I have friends who are divorced and I have seen what it does to them, I know it it is emotionally gut wrenching, etc.... But, does that give them the right to be callous with other people's feelings? As someone who I guess could be called "the other woman" I knew I was being used, but when someone tells you all things you want to hear, it's hard not to believe it. When someone uses the word "Bashert" how can you not fall? The "relationship" we had was over long before his reconciliation, but how uncomfortable will it be when we run into each other and he is with his wife! Was he honest with her? Does she know about me?

The odd thing is that a friend of mine has recently gone through the same thing. Should I be worried about dating divorced guys now? I have always been open minded about it, but now I'm not so sure.

Thinking back to where I was when I was dating him, I am such a different person now.

I have rediscovered who I am and what I want. I will not be rushed into something just because I have nothing else. I will take my time and trust my instincts. I've waited this long, what's another couple of weeks?

Days 11-14

I haven't decided yet about the move. I asked the person that offered me the position to give me some time and he agreed, I basically would be starting up my own division so I have some time anyway.

There is a radio station here that plays strictly love songs - cheesy love songs and I love it. When I was younger I always had "a song" with the guy I was going out with. My first BF it was " I Don't Want to Live Without Your Love" a Chicago song, another had "Eternal Flame" by the Bangles. While they may seem cringe worthy, I actually like hearing them. My taste in music has changed drastically as has my taste in men. But, when I hear "Here and Now" by Luther Vandross I know that this is what I want. I am also partial to "Mandy" but I don't think any guy I would want would admit to me "stopping them from shaking".

Back to business. I had a great time away and boy did I need it. I did go out w/someone while I was here but something is holding me back. Whatever it is I'm leaving things up to fate (my considering the job offer has nothing to do with it, I never even mentioned it to him). I also reconnected with someone I hadn't seen in a long time, and I'm happy for that. I am looking forward to continuing that friendship, our families used to be very close and it just makes me happy to have them all back in my life.

I came down here sad and am leaving happier than I've been in a long time. Amazing what two weeks away can do.

Now if only I can convince someone to pick me up from the airport.....

Days 9 & 10

About two years ago I seriously considered a permanent move down here. I got my license to do my job here and made some contacts. Things happened and I decided to stay in NY. I have now been offered a nice deal, less pay, but cost of living is less so it is very doable. I am actually considering it - true my immediate family is up north but I have plenty of family down here as well. I also have friends down here (and I actually like them!). So, what to do? Luckily I have a career that should I change my mind once I'm down here I could easily get back to it in NY. It's a big decision, but it may be just what I need.

Day 8

Today started with my "check engine" light coming on, so I brought my truck to the dealership. $79.00 later, I learned that when I last filled up I didn't close the gas cap tightly enough. This is why I hate pumping my own gas ( yet another reason why I need a man).

Other than that, day was nice, went to the casino. Winning 1000 credits isn't so cool when it's just pennies.

I can't believe a whole week has gone by and I'll be home next week. Got to make every minute count!

Days 3 -7

Nothing like getting away to help you find your way. For the first time in quite a while I'm happy. I just feel amazing. Whatever the reasons (still not going there!) - I'm in a great place and am glad to finally be out of the funk I was in.

Day Two

I'm not going to discuss my date in depth. I will say that I love it down here! It is so much more laid back and I was able to go bare legged :)! The date was nice but in light of my past few disappointments I'm just going to keep my thoughts to myself. I had a little discussion with myself and I realized that I really do need to trust in what fate has planned for me. I just can't dwell on the past anymore. I can't change things and can't force things to happen. So, I'll do what I can and hope for the best. (Yes, there was an email in the draft box! I deleted it!)

Day One of My Exodus

So me and about a million others have made our pilgrimage down south for Pesach. I have a few minutes to write while my Roomba makes its rounds. My trip down was pretty uneventful except for the cringe worthy behavior I observed from a few of the tribe members on the plane.

So I get down here and immediately all the yentas converge on me "so and so has a single son/grandson/nephew coming for Pesach - I'll introduce you!". I try to decline but mom gets in the way and I know it's a lost cause. I figure if I see a guy I'd be interested in I would just ask someone to introduce me. I truly hate being paraded around like a debutante. I always wonder if I should curtsy or offer my hand and say something like "charmed, I'm sure". Could you imagine if I curtsied? I really think I need to do that! Oh no, I can't, because then it's like bowing right? He'll think I'm an idol worshiper!

Anyway , I accepted one date while I'm down here - guy seems nice and normal which of course sets off my radar - why is he still single? But then I realize that we are in a different state and unlike me, most people just can't pick up and relocate. I decided to set the date right away so if we hit it off we can see each other again before I go home. Wishful thinking huh!

I'll keep you posted!

Happy Days

One of my readers (and you guys are pretty rare!) emailed me stating that I come off as a "downer". Reading through my posts, I realize He's right. I use this blog strictly to rant about my dating woes and unfortunately the experiences have not been the best. I would like to change that - hence the rules! In any case, I am a bit more optimistic about it all. I have politely declined 3 potentials this week and have only accepted one while I am on vacation - I know I said I was taking a break, but I'll be in another state so I'll make an allowance.

So, to my one "fan" you're right, life is short and I should just take every experience as one step closer to the right one. Thank you!

ANOTHER ONE BITES THE DUST?

So an ex of mine seems to be continuing on his quest for being a serial Fiance. He called me because he didn't want me to hear it from anyone else. I'm pretty sure this is his 4th one - mind you he never goes through with it - but it still hurts. We broke up about 6 years ago - and no I don't want him back and I'm not jealous per se, but I just can't help feeling sad. Since we broke up he's been engaged to two people - I have not even gotten close. How can I not wonder what is so inherently wrong with me that no one wants to get close to me?

If I was like him and I led people on would I be happy? Truth is - he was the only person I ever met who I seriously considered spending my life with - but I was young then - now I wouldn't consider it. Do I give off some sort of cold vibe? I like to think I'm a warm person but maybe I just don't know how to show it.

What to do.....

So in light of my last few dating failures I of course dredge up the past - wondering which ship may have sailed too soon. So, me being the nostalgic person that I am, contacted an ex. As soon as I sent that email I regretted it. I have always firmly believed that you break up with people for a reason and those issues don't miraculously disappear - yes sometimes things can be resolved but when it is a make or break issue - they rarely ever do. A major reason I stopped seeing this guy was because he didn't want more kids (he is divorced with a few). That right there is a make or break for me. So, why did I contact him? I know nothing will change and I don't really want to have to CONVINCE someone to have a child with me.

I contacted him because before all the "yucky" stuff got in the way we were great. I had that stupid smile on my face all of the time. I couldn't wait to see him - I would even take off of work to surprise him and we just had fun together. I want that fun again. I want that stupid smile again. I wholly regret contacting him because there is no way to get that back - too much water under the bridge but for a moment I just needed to touch base.

So here are my new rules:

1. Don't go out with anyone I wouldn't have dated in my 20's.

2. Don't go out after 12 am.

3. If he doesn't have a car (unless he lives in the City) don't go.

4. Don't email exes w/o it sitting in my draft box for 24 hours.

5. Don't stay on the phone with a potential date for more than 5 minutes (this will probably be the hardest for me!)

6. I will no longer be willing to go out with just anyone - I will thank people for thinking of me, but if the only reason you're setting us up is because we are both single - forget it.

7. I will inquire about potential dates from my friends (had I actually asked a friend about a recent one, I wouldn't have wasted my time).

I'm sure I'll have more...

Pressure

I recently contacted someone kind of out of the blue - someone I didn't know, but who I felt had many of the same feelings as I did (long story). It wound up that we actually did have a lot of in common and very quickly we opened up about very intimate details of our lives. Now, I'm not one that opens up easily, but when you "find" someone that has gone through many of the same things you have it does form a kind of bond.

So, although I said I was swearing off dating a friend of mine convinced me to cut out the emails and just give him my number. Against my better judgment I did - and guess what? our first phone call lasted more than 4 hours. Me being how I am, I was now beginning to get my hopes up but was still too afraid to tell anyone anything. I'm tired of talking about someone only to have to answer those uneasy questions when he never calls again.

So, as far as I'm concerned things are nice - granted we got a bit hot n heavy on the phone - which is really unlike me - but it was fun. So we make plans to go out - no pressure, but of course there is. Things are great on the phone how can there be no pressure?? I was seriously making myself sick over it, but I was looking forward to it. I guess I always feel that it's my last chance at happiness. That I'll never again find someone who I actually want to connect with.

So, he picks me up, right away it's weird, physically he is not at all what I expected, but I liked him, and if things worked out the rest would come. Obviously it's a letdown from what I pictured over the phone, but it's been quite a number of years since I looked at someone and just HAD to have them, so I was willing to see what happened.

So we go out for coffee and just talk, he's a bit quieter than he is over the phone - but it's understandable - we both put a lot of pressure on this - no matter what we said.

He takes me home and - nothing happens - I felt a bit rejected and embarrassed - but ok no problem.

So in the meantime I have the weekend to ponder - and of course convince myself that I need to give things a chance - I pressure myself - convince myself - and guess what.

Today I ask him if he wants to see me again and I get the "I don't see us in a dating situation" "the chemistry wasn't there", among other things.

When I speak to my married friends they tell me not to expect sparks right away - and from experience I know that the guys I wanted most were never the ones I found attractive right away. And that is why if a date is decent I will always give it another shot.

So now I wallow - what is so wrong with me that no one can get past the first date? I'm a reasonably attractive woman, I look nice on dates - have nice table manners. What is wrong with men? why do they say they are looking for someone normal yet here I am and yet I'm not good enough? What do other women have that I just don't?

This guy has especially confused me - did he honestly think that cupid would stick an arrow in our butts right there at starbucks? I just don't buy it. On the one hand he says that he doesn't want a strict attraction, yet on the other hand he felt let down that we didn't have that immediate sexual energy.

Guys, make up your mind, you're either willing to take it slow and see what happens or don't bother. You want to be friends that's fine but don't give me the idea that you want more. Don't keep me on the phone for hours, don't text me, don't call me, don't pursue me - basically just don't waste my time if you are never going to allow me in.

I try to take everything as a learning experience but I just don't get it anymore. I really don't want to put myself out there anymore. I also need to learn to trust my own judgment - stop trying to convince myself to go out with people that I know I shouldn't. So, new rule - if I wouldn't have gone out with them in my 20's I won't go out with them now.

Friday!

March 28, 2008 at 1:40 pm

Yay it’s Friday! I’m so tired. So, I’ll sleep tonight but tomorrow my loneliness will once again seep in. I don’t find it hard to be religious. It’s what the religion confronts me with that makes it hard. Shabbat should be time for family, but to me all it is, is a time to make up on sleep and read a few books. Now that the day is getting longer it is almost unbearable. It’s hard not to turn on the TV just to pass the time.

I don’t go to Shul because I can’t stand the people there. I don’t go away because my friends are all married and even though I am there they will invite some married friends over so their kids can play together. This gets me angry. If you are inviting me, why do I have to hang out with another couple - especially since it always seems to be someone I can’t stand. It would be one thing if the other couple were friends of mine - but they never are. They are usually people I tried to avoid in High School and college and seeing them makes me cringe.

So to all marrieds out there, while we appreciate your invitation don’t think we’re crazy because we no longer want to come. Lets be honest. When I am home for Shabbat I can get about 16 hours of sleep. Why would I want to get no sleep, have to sleep on a pullout couch/high riser that your kids probably left some crusty food in - or something worse! I actually had one friend who put a mattress on the floor of her kids room and expected me to sleep there - with her kids. Oh and it sure is fun watching you yell at your kids and fight with your husband!

So my Shabbat may be long and lonely, but at least it’s clean and comfortable.

How I Chose My Title

If you're reading this you are either in the same boat or, if you're a guy, we've dated. I'll save my introductions for another time but now I just need to get something off of my chest. I am sick of dating. I admit I put a lot of hope into every date and I guess it's my own fault that I'm always disappointed. Since I seem to be unable to meet guys on my own I have to rely on set-ups. Well recently an acquaintance mentioned someone to me, it didn't sound promising but I figured what could I lose. Well I guess the guy felt the same way because he asked that I call him since it seems he gets rejected a lot by Frum girls (he does not come from a Frum background). So... I swallow my pride and call him. We have a great conversation! On the phone for almost three hours! He texts me the next day - he so enjoyed the conversation! Calls me the day after that - he can't wait to meet me!

So... at this point I'm really excited. We had a normal conversation I was able to be myself now we just had to see if physically it "clicked". We make plans to go out after Shabbat - he lives a bit far away so he wouldn't be here until late. Now - if I was a regular "Frummy" I wouldn't have stood for that. Pick me up 10:30 for a date! But, I am not typical and I really wanted to meet this guy so I agree. He doesn't show up until 12 - midnight! At that point where are we going to go? So we parked, sat in the car and talked. Although I took the time to get dressed, do my hair, put on make-up, he shows up in jeans and a baseball cap. I feel uncomfortable b/c I'm a bit overdressed but I get over it. The guy is cute and again we're having an easy relaxed conversation. At one point during the "date" he comments that we definitely need to make plans to get together again.

So after an hour (it's now 1am) he drops me off, I tell him to text me when he gets home (I have that Jewish Mother in me). He texts me about an hour and a half later that he's home and that I should have a great day. I text him back "sleep well".

Sunday, nothing. Monday, nothing. So I finally ask someone to find out what happened. Well, it seems I'm not "Aidel". Before I start my rant - he couldn't figure this out on the phone? We spoke for 3 hours - he couldn't tell???

So now let me rant:

1. How many "Aidel's" would go out with a guy that admittingly had a wild past and almost no "jewish" background?

2. How many "Aidel's" would allow a guy to pick her up at 12am?

3. How many "Aidel's" wouldn't care that he wore jeans and a cap?

4. How many "Aidel's" would just sit in a car and talk?

This whole thing threw me off. I know on the outside I don't fit into what has become the Frum community, but I do know that there is a time and a place for everything. I can sit in a room with Chassidim or a room full of Sikhs and be able to conduct myself appropriately.

I also wonder what he perceives an Aishes Chayil to be? I always assumed it was good woman who would love her husband and children and would sacrifice everything for them. While I don't yet have that, I do know that I have made many sacrifices in my life - some could even be considered life altering in order to help my family.

My main question is how can one figure out whether a person is good based on a one hour meeting? I feel slapped in the face and disgusted. I don't know what to do anymore. If he said he didn't find me attractive, ok. But to say I wasn't a "fine" person?

Today, being Purim only makes it worse. I ask myself why should I remain Frum when everything about it just reminds me of what I don't have. I hate going to Shul because I feel like a spinster, same with weddings, Bar Mitzvahs, etc.. How can I not question Hashem when I try so hard to be good, yet am rejected for not outwardly showing it enough. No I don't go to Shul every Shabbat and I don't go to classes, does that make me "bad"?

Yes, right now I am bitter. I am in my mid 30's with no prospects on the horizon. I can honestly say I have gone out with every guy someone has set me up with, but I just don't think I can do that anymore. The reasons for rejection just hurt too much and I hate feeling bad about myself.

So for right now I'll remain Frum and only secretly "Aidel"