Another One Bites The Dust - Again

Here's a new one! A couple gets divorced, they enter into relationships with others and then find themselves back with their Ex.

I have friends who are divorced and I have seen what it does to them, I know it it is emotionally gut wrenching, etc.... But, does that give them the right to be callous with other people's feelings? As someone who I guess could be called "the other woman" I knew I was being used, but when someone tells you all things you want to hear, it's hard not to believe it. When someone uses the word "Bashert" how can you not fall? The "relationship" we had was over long before his reconciliation, but how uncomfortable will it be when we run into each other and he is with his wife! Was he honest with her? Does she know about me?

The odd thing is that a friend of mine has recently gone through the same thing. Should I be worried about dating divorced guys now? I have always been open minded about it, but now I'm not so sure.

Thinking back to where I was when I was dating him, I am such a different person now.

I have rediscovered who I am and what I want. I will not be rushed into something just because I have nothing else. I will take my time and trust my instincts. I've waited this long, what's another couple of weeks?

Days 11-14

I haven't decided yet about the move. I asked the person that offered me the position to give me some time and he agreed, I basically would be starting up my own division so I have some time anyway.

There is a radio station here that plays strictly love songs - cheesy love songs and I love it. When I was younger I always had "a song" with the guy I was going out with. My first BF it was " I Don't Want to Live Without Your Love" a Chicago song, another had "Eternal Flame" by the Bangles. While they may seem cringe worthy, I actually like hearing them. My taste in music has changed drastically as has my taste in men. But, when I hear "Here and Now" by Luther Vandross I know that this is what I want. I am also partial to "Mandy" but I don't think any guy I would want would admit to me "stopping them from shaking".

Back to business. I had a great time away and boy did I need it. I did go out w/someone while I was here but something is holding me back. Whatever it is I'm leaving things up to fate (my considering the job offer has nothing to do with it, I never even mentioned it to him). I also reconnected with someone I hadn't seen in a long time, and I'm happy for that. I am looking forward to continuing that friendship, our families used to be very close and it just makes me happy to have them all back in my life.

I came down here sad and am leaving happier than I've been in a long time. Amazing what two weeks away can do.

Now if only I can convince someone to pick me up from the airport.....

Days 9 & 10

About two years ago I seriously considered a permanent move down here. I got my license to do my job here and made some contacts. Things happened and I decided to stay in NY. I have now been offered a nice deal, less pay, but cost of living is less so it is very doable. I am actually considering it - true my immediate family is up north but I have plenty of family down here as well. I also have friends down here (and I actually like them!). So, what to do? Luckily I have a career that should I change my mind once I'm down here I could easily get back to it in NY. It's a big decision, but it may be just what I need.

Day 8

Today started with my "check engine" light coming on, so I brought my truck to the dealership. $79.00 later, I learned that when I last filled up I didn't close the gas cap tightly enough. This is why I hate pumping my own gas ( yet another reason why I need a man).

Other than that, day was nice, went to the casino. Winning 1000 credits isn't so cool when it's just pennies.

I can't believe a whole week has gone by and I'll be home next week. Got to make every minute count!

Days 3 -7

Nothing like getting away to help you find your way. For the first time in quite a while I'm happy. I just feel amazing. Whatever the reasons (still not going there!) - I'm in a great place and am glad to finally be out of the funk I was in.

Day Two

I'm not going to discuss my date in depth. I will say that I love it down here! It is so much more laid back and I was able to go bare legged :)! The date was nice but in light of my past few disappointments I'm just going to keep my thoughts to myself. I had a little discussion with myself and I realized that I really do need to trust in what fate has planned for me. I just can't dwell on the past anymore. I can't change things and can't force things to happen. So, I'll do what I can and hope for the best. (Yes, there was an email in the draft box! I deleted it!)

Day One of My Exodus

So me and about a million others have made our pilgrimage down south for Pesach. I have a few minutes to write while my Roomba makes its rounds. My trip down was pretty uneventful except for the cringe worthy behavior I observed from a few of the tribe members on the plane.

So I get down here and immediately all the yentas converge on me "so and so has a single son/grandson/nephew coming for Pesach - I'll introduce you!". I try to decline but mom gets in the way and I know it's a lost cause. I figure if I see a guy I'd be interested in I would just ask someone to introduce me. I truly hate being paraded around like a debutante. I always wonder if I should curtsy or offer my hand and say something like "charmed, I'm sure". Could you imagine if I curtsied? I really think I need to do that! Oh no, I can't, because then it's like bowing right? He'll think I'm an idol worshiper!

Anyway , I accepted one date while I'm down here - guy seems nice and normal which of course sets off my radar - why is he still single? But then I realize that we are in a different state and unlike me, most people just can't pick up and relocate. I decided to set the date right away so if we hit it off we can see each other again before I go home. Wishful thinking huh!

I'll keep you posted!

Happy Days

One of my readers (and you guys are pretty rare!) emailed me stating that I come off as a "downer". Reading through my posts, I realize He's right. I use this blog strictly to rant about my dating woes and unfortunately the experiences have not been the best. I would like to change that - hence the rules! In any case, I am a bit more optimistic about it all. I have politely declined 3 potentials this week and have only accepted one while I am on vacation - I know I said I was taking a break, but I'll be in another state so I'll make an allowance.

So, to my one "fan" you're right, life is short and I should just take every experience as one step closer to the right one. Thank you!

ANOTHER ONE BITES THE DUST?

So an ex of mine seems to be continuing on his quest for being a serial Fiance. He called me because he didn't want me to hear it from anyone else. I'm pretty sure this is his 4th one - mind you he never goes through with it - but it still hurts. We broke up about 6 years ago - and no I don't want him back and I'm not jealous per se, but I just can't help feeling sad. Since we broke up he's been engaged to two people - I have not even gotten close. How can I not wonder what is so inherently wrong with me that no one wants to get close to me?

If I was like him and I led people on would I be happy? Truth is - he was the only person I ever met who I seriously considered spending my life with - but I was young then - now I wouldn't consider it. Do I give off some sort of cold vibe? I like to think I'm a warm person but maybe I just don't know how to show it.

What to do.....

So in light of my last few dating failures I of course dredge up the past - wondering which ship may have sailed too soon. So, me being the nostalgic person that I am, contacted an ex. As soon as I sent that email I regretted it. I have always firmly believed that you break up with people for a reason and those issues don't miraculously disappear - yes sometimes things can be resolved but when it is a make or break issue - they rarely ever do. A major reason I stopped seeing this guy was because he didn't want more kids (he is divorced with a few). That right there is a make or break for me. So, why did I contact him? I know nothing will change and I don't really want to have to CONVINCE someone to have a child with me.

I contacted him because before all the "yucky" stuff got in the way we were great. I had that stupid smile on my face all of the time. I couldn't wait to see him - I would even take off of work to surprise him and we just had fun together. I want that fun again. I want that stupid smile again. I wholly regret contacting him because there is no way to get that back - too much water under the bridge but for a moment I just needed to touch base.

So here are my new rules:

1. Don't go out with anyone I wouldn't have dated in my 20's.

2. Don't go out after 12 am.

3. If he doesn't have a car (unless he lives in the City) don't go.

4. Don't email exes w/o it sitting in my draft box for 24 hours.

5. Don't stay on the phone with a potential date for more than 5 minutes (this will probably be the hardest for me!)

6. I will no longer be willing to go out with just anyone - I will thank people for thinking of me, but if the only reason you're setting us up is because we are both single - forget it.

7. I will inquire about potential dates from my friends (had I actually asked a friend about a recent one, I wouldn't have wasted my time).

I'm sure I'll have more...

Pressure

I recently contacted someone kind of out of the blue - someone I didn't know, but who I felt had many of the same feelings as I did (long story). It wound up that we actually did have a lot of in common and very quickly we opened up about very intimate details of our lives. Now, I'm not one that opens up easily, but when you "find" someone that has gone through many of the same things you have it does form a kind of bond.

So, although I said I was swearing off dating a friend of mine convinced me to cut out the emails and just give him my number. Against my better judgment I did - and guess what? our first phone call lasted more than 4 hours. Me being how I am, I was now beginning to get my hopes up but was still too afraid to tell anyone anything. I'm tired of talking about someone only to have to answer those uneasy questions when he never calls again.

So, as far as I'm concerned things are nice - granted we got a bit hot n heavy on the phone - which is really unlike me - but it was fun. So we make plans to go out - no pressure, but of course there is. Things are great on the phone how can there be no pressure?? I was seriously making myself sick over it, but I was looking forward to it. I guess I always feel that it's my last chance at happiness. That I'll never again find someone who I actually want to connect with.

So, he picks me up, right away it's weird, physically he is not at all what I expected, but I liked him, and if things worked out the rest would come. Obviously it's a letdown from what I pictured over the phone, but it's been quite a number of years since I looked at someone and just HAD to have them, so I was willing to see what happened.

So we go out for coffee and just talk, he's a bit quieter than he is over the phone - but it's understandable - we both put a lot of pressure on this - no matter what we said.

He takes me home and - nothing happens - I felt a bit rejected and embarrassed - but ok no problem.

So in the meantime I have the weekend to ponder - and of course convince myself that I need to give things a chance - I pressure myself - convince myself - and guess what.

Today I ask him if he wants to see me again and I get the "I don't see us in a dating situation" "the chemistry wasn't there", among other things.

When I speak to my married friends they tell me not to expect sparks right away - and from experience I know that the guys I wanted most were never the ones I found attractive right away. And that is why if a date is decent I will always give it another shot.

So now I wallow - what is so wrong with me that no one can get past the first date? I'm a reasonably attractive woman, I look nice on dates - have nice table manners. What is wrong with men? why do they say they are looking for someone normal yet here I am and yet I'm not good enough? What do other women have that I just don't?

This guy has especially confused me - did he honestly think that cupid would stick an arrow in our butts right there at starbucks? I just don't buy it. On the one hand he says that he doesn't want a strict attraction, yet on the other hand he felt let down that we didn't have that immediate sexual energy.

Guys, make up your mind, you're either willing to take it slow and see what happens or don't bother. You want to be friends that's fine but don't give me the idea that you want more. Don't keep me on the phone for hours, don't text me, don't call me, don't pursue me - basically just don't waste my time if you are never going to allow me in.

I try to take everything as a learning experience but I just don't get it anymore. I really don't want to put myself out there anymore. I also need to learn to trust my own judgment - stop trying to convince myself to go out with people that I know I shouldn't. So, new rule - if I wouldn't have gone out with them in my 20's I won't go out with them now.

Friday!

March 28, 2008 at 1:40 pm

Yay it’s Friday! I’m so tired. So, I’ll sleep tonight but tomorrow my loneliness will once again seep in. I don’t find it hard to be religious. It’s what the religion confronts me with that makes it hard. Shabbat should be time for family, but to me all it is, is a time to make up on sleep and read a few books. Now that the day is getting longer it is almost unbearable. It’s hard not to turn on the TV just to pass the time.

I don’t go to Shul because I can’t stand the people there. I don’t go away because my friends are all married and even though I am there they will invite some married friends over so their kids can play together. This gets me angry. If you are inviting me, why do I have to hang out with another couple - especially since it always seems to be someone I can’t stand. It would be one thing if the other couple were friends of mine - but they never are. They are usually people I tried to avoid in High School and college and seeing them makes me cringe.

So to all marrieds out there, while we appreciate your invitation don’t think we’re crazy because we no longer want to come. Lets be honest. When I am home for Shabbat I can get about 16 hours of sleep. Why would I want to get no sleep, have to sleep on a pullout couch/high riser that your kids probably left some crusty food in - or something worse! I actually had one friend who put a mattress on the floor of her kids room and expected me to sleep there - with her kids. Oh and it sure is fun watching you yell at your kids and fight with your husband!

So my Shabbat may be long and lonely, but at least it’s clean and comfortable.