Pressure

I recently contacted someone kind of out of the blue - someone I didn't know, but who I felt had many of the same feelings as I did (long story). It wound up that we actually did have a lot of in common and very quickly we opened up about very intimate details of our lives. Now, I'm not one that opens up easily, but when you "find" someone that has gone through many of the same things you have it does form a kind of bond.

So, although I said I was swearing off dating a friend of mine convinced me to cut out the emails and just give him my number. Against my better judgment I did - and guess what? our first phone call lasted more than 4 hours. Me being how I am, I was now beginning to get my hopes up but was still too afraid to tell anyone anything. I'm tired of talking about someone only to have to answer those uneasy questions when he never calls again.

So, as far as I'm concerned things are nice - granted we got a bit hot n heavy on the phone - which is really unlike me - but it was fun. So we make plans to go out - no pressure, but of course there is. Things are great on the phone how can there be no pressure?? I was seriously making myself sick over it, but I was looking forward to it. I guess I always feel that it's my last chance at happiness. That I'll never again find someone who I actually want to connect with.

So, he picks me up, right away it's weird, physically he is not at all what I expected, but I liked him, and if things worked out the rest would come. Obviously it's a letdown from what I pictured over the phone, but it's been quite a number of years since I looked at someone and just HAD to have them, so I was willing to see what happened.

So we go out for coffee and just talk, he's a bit quieter than he is over the phone - but it's understandable - we both put a lot of pressure on this - no matter what we said.

He takes me home and - nothing happens - I felt a bit rejected and embarrassed - but ok no problem.

So in the meantime I have the weekend to ponder - and of course convince myself that I need to give things a chance - I pressure myself - convince myself - and guess what.

Today I ask him if he wants to see me again and I get the "I don't see us in a dating situation" "the chemistry wasn't there", among other things.

When I speak to my married friends they tell me not to expect sparks right away - and from experience I know that the guys I wanted most were never the ones I found attractive right away. And that is why if a date is decent I will always give it another shot.

So now I wallow - what is so wrong with me that no one can get past the first date? I'm a reasonably attractive woman, I look nice on dates - have nice table manners. What is wrong with men? why do they say they are looking for someone normal yet here I am and yet I'm not good enough? What do other women have that I just don't?

This guy has especially confused me - did he honestly think that cupid would stick an arrow in our butts right there at starbucks? I just don't buy it. On the one hand he says that he doesn't want a strict attraction, yet on the other hand he felt let down that we didn't have that immediate sexual energy.

Guys, make up your mind, you're either willing to take it slow and see what happens or don't bother. You want to be friends that's fine but don't give me the idea that you want more. Don't keep me on the phone for hours, don't text me, don't call me, don't pursue me - basically just don't waste my time if you are never going to allow me in.

I try to take everything as a learning experience but I just don't get it anymore. I really don't want to put myself out there anymore. I also need to learn to trust my own judgment - stop trying to convince myself to go out with people that I know I shouldn't. So, new rule - if I wouldn't have gone out with them in my 20's I won't go out with them now.